Paul's Art World: January 2026

Tesco

(Southampton)

How can an egg be happy

even if the hen

was pleased to lay it?

Must be some kind of a yoke.

Is it true

that Mr Kipling

has been making merry golly

with Miss Molly?

‘Big toys are all very well’

said the pink rabbit

from a dog-safe distance

‘but we live in a rather small burrow’.

(The pink rabbit is very far right)

No-one has ever explained to me

why making light bulbs energy efficient

has required them to become

so complex and expensive.

Tesco’s new transparent bread

is incredibly popular:

if only it were easier to tell

whether or not it’s sold out.

I see they’ve only

half-completed

the command to drop Anchor

to the bottom shelf.

The fish had to swim through

456 crimes in total

to get to the promised land.

Maybe it helped to be mad.

(There are 24 bottles x 19 = 256 crimes on the shelf)

That’s plenty of Plenty

If it weren’t for the top corner’s

non-blitz of Blitz,

it might have been too much.

Sainsburys

(Southampton)

Celeriac

may well be

the brainiest of vegetables,

but is that saying much?

This Christmas I’m giving a forest

by way of certification

that a tree has been planted

on every recipient’s behalf.

I’m starting a drive

to re-enact

Southampton’s paintings

in the local supermarkets.

(Lisa Milroy’s ‘Melons’, 1986, is in the collection of Southampton City Art Gallery)

Those are the curviest

straight edges I’ve seen

since the claims made

by the Brexit campaign.

Given that time

seems slower to insects,

I wonder how fast

this clock will be?

Hedgehogs are rare

in supermarkets.

So many, I suppose,

get run over by trolleys.

(Though world populations are healthy, hedgehogs are classified as Vulnerable to Extinction in Britain, populations have dropped by up to 75% since the millennium, due to habitat loss, roads, and intensive farming. There are thought to be under a million left, as against 30m in the 1950's)

Asda

(Totton)

100% cleaner!

It sounds like a claim

that leaves no margin for underperformance –

but that would be ‘100% clean’.

(The headline actually translates in small print detail to ‘Removes up to 100% more bacterial plaque for cleaner teeth and healthier gums vs. a manual toothbrush’, in other words gets ‘up to’ twice as much plaque off than a manual toothbrush, which sounds a lot more modest and plausible)

Here is how to make the most

of any electric removal of plaque

if you enjoy solutions

enough to seek the problems.

A tale hangs here

as that’s not a kangaroo

but a yellow-footed rock wallaby

that also has a [yellow tail].

A French kiss would be slow

and rather creepy:

if you’re going to kiss a quiche

I can see why you’d want to be quick.

I’m not too sure

how shopping works in hell,

but there are enough demons here

to operate some sort of business.

I like the idea

of coffee being brewed

in a volcanic cafetière,

especially the lava latte.

There’s summat queer

about thinking of tea –

or should I say ‘char’ -

as English, let alone Tyke.

I suspect that Northern Comfort

is the same drink as its southern sibling

but meant to be served

just a little colder.

Some are naked

Some are innocent.

Those who are both

may be asking for trouble…

Thank you kindly

I’ve taken them all.

Or would have, had there been only one,

which there wasn’t.

The Co-op

(Ashurst, Lyndhurst, and Fordingbridge)

Are these limes?

Or is it just

a verdant backdrop

seeping onto lemons?

I think of tic tacs

as peppermint white –

as do other customers,

by the looks of that gap.

Italy comes to Lyndhurst…

Maybe not the weather

or the history or culture.

We’ll have to make do with the pasta.

Here, conveniently, are all five

of your ‘five a day’.

No need to resort

to dildos or cocks.

The neck oil of the eternal

rises to the north

of Hell’s black heart

and none of it sounds like beer.

‘Made like you would at home’?

I was hoping for something

more adventurous

and even a little better than that.

£2.10 per kilo

is either a tad expensive for nothing

or a curious way of expressing

what may be a good price for plastic trays.

I’m not prejudiced enough

to say that I didn’t expect to find

matching houndstooth waistcoats and caps

dappering the Co-op – but I didn’t.

(The Spanish ‘Madrí Excepcional’ beer features the ‘Chulapo’, the epitome of fashionable trends in 19th century Madrid)

Four aubergines

make ten eggplants,

by the look of it,

implying a peculiar rate of exchange.

It would be brave to sell Rocky

were your finances

likely to run aground,

so I take this as a positive sign.

(In 2025, the Co-op Group's finances were significantly impacted by a major cyber attack, leading to an estimated £206 million in lost sales. Despite this, the Co-op has maintained adequate liquidity)

Marks & Spencer

(Bond Street / Green Park, London / Southampton)

I’m itching to see a product advertised

as ‘not as good as it used to be’.

I’d snap it up

for honesty.

What does it take to be

‘outrageously chocolatey’?

79%, says the box,

but it would need a hundred plus to fully outrage me.

But don’t these sloths

just hang beneath the canopy in gloomily eponymity?

Not at all: they switch between sunny and shady spots

to regulate their temperature.

(Of 'Sunny the Sloth', M&S say: 'Live life in the slow lane with this adorable milk chocolate hollow sloth, with white and dark chocolate decorations. Just the thing to keep your Easter celebrations chill')

How expert are Marksologists?

1921 is open to doubt,

and Mary severed no tomato heads:

she burned dissenters at the stake.

(I take it that a Marksologist is an expert employed by Marks & Spencer. I like the packaging, but they seem better on natural than human history. 1921 is just one of several claimed origin dates in the 1920’s and 30s for both the cocktail and its name. If it was invented in New York in 1921, the connection to Mary Queen of Scots came later. Henry VIII’s Catholic daughter, who reigned England and Ireland during 1553-58, gained the epithet ‘bloody’ through her attempts to reverse the Reformation by prosecuting Protestants. 280 dissenters were burned at stake, to little effect in that respect, her attempts to return property and power to the church being quickly reversed by her younger half-sister and successor, Elizabeth I)

Remember the days

of glass bottles and milkmen?

Then I guess you’re too young

for typists and pay phones.

According to Wittgenstein

the world is everything that is the case -

in which case, there's plenty of world

to be unpacked right here.

(That is the early Wittgenstein: the claim is the first proposition in the ‘Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus’, 2021. He meant that the world isn't just things, but the states of affairs describing how objects combine and exist – even in M & S, Southampton)

I can imagine

taking a shine to these shoes

if shiny were my thing

or, come to that, the world’s just now.

As someone slim

in the lands of chunks,

I’d like to point out that chunky thoughts

need not be restricted to musings on unchunkiness.

I guess that means

this is unjust food –

grown and delivered by grievously exploited labour

at a huge cost to the environment.

Not only have these crisps

never been fucked,

it sounds as if they’ve pushed right on

to never being kissed.

Waitrose

(Southampton)

To be an Easter Bunny

is to face

an ethical dilemma:

is cannibalism allowed?

Bring on the Pekingese

Chihuahuas and Pugs!

If bread can be wild,

I wonder what can’t?

(‘Wildfarmed' white sourdough actually refers to the bread being made from grain grown using regenerative agriculture - farming methods designed to restore soil health, boost biodiversity and capture carbon, while avoiding pesticides, herbicides, and fungicides)

Might I just comment

on the accuracy

with which the Accuracy

is stacked?

What the Heck

were the founders thinking,

adopting ‘What the Heck!?’

as their guiding motto?

(Apparently the Keeble family, who founded Heck in 2013, wanted to convey an alternative attitude. ‘Heck’, incidentally, is a 19th century euphemistic alteration of ‘hell’)

Do horses eat horseradish?

No more, I suspect, than dogs give dog roses,

pigs speak pig Latin,

or cats wear the cat’s pyjamas…

(Those animal names effectively operate adjectivally here: broadly, horse = ‘strong’, dog = ‘bogus’’, pig = ‘silly’, cat = ‘trendy’, from the slang for a cool person)

It’s cold outside

so this may be the very place

to settle in smug snugness

with that free cup of free coffee.

(Waitrose offers its cardholders a free coffee with any purchase, provided they bring their own cup)

Might we accuse Teapigs

of speciesism –

for featuring dogs and a hen,

but nothing remotely porcine on their packs?

(I purchased 240 PG Tips for £5, incidentally: 2.1p per bag, as against 15 Teapigs for the same price - 33.3p per bag! That 16-fold ratio felt impressive...)

Morrisons

(Totton)

I’ll have a dozen durex

and a test kit please.

I’m covering all bases,

chastity aside.

Twisted

or original?

I like to think

I’m both.

I don’t like the look of these

which is just as well:

I wouldn’t like to come across

as solo-meal lonely.

I remember

rushing home to catch a programme,

having to ask to be put through on the phone,

and nutmeg under spices.

('Nutmeg' is Morrisons' somewhat odd choice of name for its in-house brand: 'from laid-back essentials to statement-making styles')

Aldi

(Southampton)

One potato

sweet but lonely

seeks similar

to share a homely tray.

I’m a hard man to please

I’m not sure softer,

or even the softest,

is going to do it.

I’d be the one

getting the ribbing

if I returned to our house

with an Easy Home Ribbed Bathroom Set.

Lidl

(Totton)

If we’re buying the net

there's 20% on top of the price,

assuming that would then be given net.

I hope we’re buying the oranges.

(Net prices exclude VAT, while gross prices include it. Packaging attracts VAT, so 20% would currently be added to the net price of the nets to reach the gross price. Fruit is zero-rated for VAT, so the net and gross prices are the same)

What are the chances

of a diet surviving

a monstrously stuffed

and overloaded feast?

Suddenly

the stink of cut-price perfume was upon me

and I knew

she wouldn’t do.

What would Freud have said?

In The Middle of Lidl,

even if it isn’t conscious,

lies its id.

(According to Freud in ‘Beyond the Pleasure Principle’ (1920), the id is the organism's unconscious array of uncoordinated instinctual needs, impulses and desires. in the store's words 'Cruise along our Middle of Lidl aisle for household kit that you never knew you needed. From gardening essentials and outdoor furniture to nifty additions for your kitchen and bathroom, all at great prices, of course!')