BARBERS

 

CUT TO THE NAME 

PALL MALL BARBERS

We’re three miles from Pall Mall, true.

But perhaps that counts as close enough

compared with Peckham, Paignton or Peru.

King's Cross, London

         

HAIRFORM

If form and content make for style

my lack of content rather scuppers

my options for finding form as style.

 

Islington, London

 

GRANGE BARBERS

Ah yes, a country house

with barns and outbuildings attached.

I wonder how many farmers get their hair cut here?

Bermondsey, London

 

THE LEGEND

The most legendary barber must be Sweeney Todd

Will I get a stylish cut

before I end up in a cannibal meat pie?

Holborn, London

 

POSH HAIR SALON

This salon looks as ordinary

as my hair…

so perhaps my hair is posh enough.

Southwark. London

 

RAZOR

I’d sooner find a barber

whose tool of choice

is scissors. 

Shirley, Southampton

 

     

FIRST CLASS, BEST and KING

Competition’s keen round here.

What’s the proper order

for these superlatives?

 

Shirley, Southampton

 

 

CAPRICE

I like to think you have to make an appointment

to get your hair cut here,

even though I dare say you do not.

 

Shirley, Southampton

 

 HOUSE OF THE SELECTED

‘Too long’ ‘Too grey’

‘Too big a bag to bring in’        

I wonder what it takes to get your hair cut here 

 

King’s Cross, London

HAIR PORT

The advisers told him it would never take off

and he named the business to spite them.

The fact remains, though: no-one’s going in…

 

Woolston, Southampton

 

 

MINISTRY OF HAIR

I don’t think I’ve got time for this:

the forms, the approvals, the policy statements,

the blocking of requests for novel styles…

 

Eastbourne

 

GENTLEMEN JACKS

We know that Anne Lister – ‘Gentleman Jack’ –

was the first modern lesbian.

But how does that help?

Eastbourne

 

HEADBARBERS

Armbarbers and legbarbers

should be avoided:

at least it’s quick to have your head cut off.

 

St Leonards-on-Sea

 

TOP DOG’S

You’d think a top dog

would do more with the facia.

Maybe a blade sign with a well-groomed pooch... 

 

St Leonards-on-Sea

 

ANGELS

‘How would you like it’

is the first question here

‘with or without a halo?’

Eastbourne

 

CELLY’s

‘Everything’ would have to be more than I want:

I'm used to paying

fifteen pounds at most.

Eastbourne

BARBERSHOP HAIRDRESSING FOR MEN

This would have been an oxymoron thirty years back:

men didn’t expect their hair

to be anything fancier than cut.

Petersfield

      

MACHO BARBERS

Is this man man enough to be allowed in?

He doesn’t look confident.

He may have to settle for being a V.I.P.

Petersfield

                

THE BAKERY LANE BARBER SHOP

OK, I’m sure…

but I have heard the Barber Lane Bakery

is very much preferred.

Petersfield

  

BARBER SHOP

As plain as a short back and sides.

Unless you ask, with literal disruptiveness,

‘Can buy a barber, please?’

Brighton

 

DAMAGE

Is ‘ethical and cruelty free’

which means your hair may be stroked or oiled or even curled

but certainly won’t be cut.

Brighton

       

 

TOMMY BOY SOCIAL

Sit back and relax?

No, remember to talk

or else your find yourself back on the street with most of your hair still long.

Brighton

        

BRIGHTON TOP CUTS

‘I have a top, can you cut it?’

isn’t what they have in mind,

isn’t going to cut it.

Brighton

 

MASTERS

A modest business belying the fact

that this is an unregulated industry:

you don’t need an MA in hair to set up as you wish.

Brighton

        

 

FUZZ

Deals, it says, with private hair,

rather than the public sort

that anyone can style without permission.

Brighton

CUT U UP

If it’s true that some barbers are fronts for crime

this may not be the place pop into,

especially if you’re not inclined to tip.

Southend-on-Sea        

 

ARASTOCUTS  

If you think this place is classy,

I take that to prove the simple fact 

that you can’t spell.

Southend-on-Sea