SUPERMARKET MIX

 Tesco

How can an egg be happy

even if the hen

was pleased to lay it?

Must be some kind of a yoke.

 

Is it true

that Mr Kipling

has been making merry golly

with Miss Molly?

 

Some are naked

Some are innocent.

Those who are both

may be asking for trouble…

      

‘Big toys are all very well’

said the pink rabbit

from a dog-safe distance

‘but we live in a rather small burrow’.

(The pink rabbit is very far right)

        

No-one has ever explained to me

why making light bulbs energy efficient

has required them to become

so complex and expensive.

 

Tesco’s new transparent bread

is incredibly popular:

if only it were easier to tell

whether or not it’s sold out.

 

I see they’ve only

half-completed

the command to drop Anchor

to the bottom shelf.

 

The fish had to swim through

456 crimes in total

to get to the promised land.

Maybe it helped to be mad.

 

(There are 24 bottles x 19 = 256 crimes on the shelf)

                    

That’s plenty of Plenty

If it weren’t for the corner’s

non-blitz of Blitz,

it might have been too much.

 

  

Sainsburys

 

Celeriac

may well be

the brainiest of vegetables,

but is that saying much?

 

This Christmas I’m giving a forest 

by way of certification

that a tree has been planted

on every recipient’s behalf.

       

I’m starting a drive

to re-enact

Southampton’s paintings

in the local supermarkets.

(Lisa Milroy’s ‘Melons’, 1986, is in the collection of Southampton City Art Gallery)

Those are the curviest

straight edges I’ve seen

since the claims made

by the Brexit campaign.

 

Given that time

seems slower to insects,

I wonder how fast

this clock will be?

 

Hedgehogs are rare 

in supermarkets.

So many, I suppose, 

get run over by trolleys.

 

Asda

 

100% cleaner!

It sounds like a claim

that leaves no margin for underperformance –

but that would be ‘100% clean’.

(The headline actually translates in small print detail to ‘Removes up to 100% more bacterial plaque for cleaner teeth and healthier gums vs. a manual toothbrush’, in other words gets ‘up to’ twice as much plaque off than a manual toothbrush, which sounds a lot more modest and plausible.)

       

Here is how to make the most

of any electric removal of plaque

if you enjoy solutions 

enough to seek the problems.

A tale hangs here

as that’s not a kangeroo

but a yellow-footed rock wallaby

that also has a [yellow tail].  

 

                

A French kiss would be slow

and rather creepy:

if you’re going to kiss a quiche

I can see why you’d want to be quick.

 

 

I’m not too sure

how shopping works in hell,

but there are enough demons here

to operate some sort of business.

 

 

I like the idea

of coffee being brewed

in a volcanic cafetière,

especially the lava latte.

 

There’s summat queer

about thinking of tea –

or should I say ‘char’ -

as English, let alone Tyke.

       

I suspect that Northern Comfort

is the same drink as its southern sibling

but meant to be served

a little colder.

         

Thank you kindly

I’ve taken them all.

Or would have, had there been only one,

which there wasn’t.

The Co-op

 

Are these limes?

Or is it just

a verdant backdrop

seeping onto lemons?

 

I think of tic tacs

as peppermint white –

as do other customers,

by the looks of that gap.

 

Italy comes to Lyndhurst…

Maybe not the weather

or the history or culture.

We’ll have to make do with the pasta.

 

Here, conveniently, are all five

of your ‘five a day’.

No need to resort

to dildos or cocks.

            

The neck oil of the eternal

rises to the north

of Hell’s black heart

and none of it sounds like beer.

 

‘Made like you would at home’?

I was hoping for something

more adventurous

and even a little better than that.

 

Remember the days

of glass bottles and milkmen?

Then I guess you’re too young

for typists and pay phones.

It would be brave to sell Rocky

Were your finances

likely to run aground,

so I take this as a positive sign.

(In 2025, the Co-op Group's finances were significantly impacted by a major cyberattack, leading to a 2.1% drop in first-half revenue and an estimated £206 million in lost sales. Despite this setback, the Co-op maintained adequate liquidity)