BARBERS

 

CUT TO THE NAME 

 

ANGELS

‘How would you like it’

is the first question here

‘with or without a halo?’

Eastbourne

 

ARASTOCUTS  

If you think this place is classy,

I take that to prove the simple fact 

that you can’t spell.

Southend-on-Sea   

 

                

THE BAKERY LANE BARBER SHOP

OK, I’m sure…

but I have heard the Barber Lane Bakery

is very much preferred.

Petersfield

  

BARBER SHOP

As plain as a short back and sides.

Unless you ask, with literal disruptiveness,

‘Can buy a barber, please?’

Brighton

BARBERSHOP HAIRDRESSING FOR MEN

This would have been an oxymoron thirty years back:

men didn’t expect their hair

to be anything fancier than cut.

Petersfield

BARNET BARBERS

How could I resist getting my barnet

cut in Barnet? Chemo is the answer:

my hair hasn't grown in months.

Barnet, London

        

BRIGHTON TOP CUTS

‘I have a top, can you cut it?’

isn’t what they have in mind,

isn’t going to cut it.

Brighton

 

CAPRICE

I like to think you have to make an appointment

to get your hair cut here,

even though I dare say you do not.

 

Shirley, Southampton

 

CELLY’s

‘Everything’ would have to be more than I want:

I'm used to paying

fifteen pounds at most.

Eastbourne 

CHRIS-ELLES HAIR SALON

Is it Chris and Elle or one Chris-Elle

who favour or favours

such stark presentation?

Barnet, London

CUT U UP

If it’s true that some barbers are fronts for crime

this may not be the place pop into,

especially if you’re not inclined to tip.

Southend-on-Sea   

 

DAMAGE

Is ‘ethical and cruelty free’

which means your hair may be stroked or oiled or even curled

but certainly won’t be cut.

Brighton

FADE ZONE

All I can think

of fading to is grey,

but surely not?

 

Totton

GULLI BARBERS

This has the ring of

Ali Baba, and no doubt there are plenty 

of Ali Barbers.

Totton 

    

FIRST CLASS, BEST and KING

Competition’s keen round here.

What’s the proper order

for these superlatives?

 

Shirley, Southampton

         

FUZZ

Deals, it says, with private hair,

rather than the public sort

that anyone can style without permission.

Brighton

GENTLEMEN JACKS

We know that Anne Lister – ‘Gentleman Jack’ –

was the first modern lesbian.

But how does that help?

Eastbourne

GENTLEMEN’S LEAGUE

Better, I guess, than a Union of Thugs,

though I've been in

and all the cutting’s done by women…

Totton

GRANGE BARBERS

Ah yes, a country house

with barns and outbuildings attached.

I wonder how many farmers get their hair cut here?

Bermondsey, London

        

HAIR ART

There are enough barbers in Barnet

to suggest that the art is thriving -

but this Hair Art, I'm sad to say, has closed.  

Barnet, London

 

HEADBARBERS

Armbarbers and legbarbers

should be avoided:

at least it’s quick to have your head cut off.

 

St Leonards-on-Sea 

         

HAIRFORM

If form and content make for style

my lack of content rather scuppers

my options for finding form as style.

 

Islington, London

HAIR PORT

The advisers told him it would never take off

and he named the business to spite them.

The fact remains, though: no-one’s going in…

 

Woolston, Southampton

HAIR WAY

Is the name inspired by Robert Plant’s

prime 70’s locks, that we might find

our very own hair way to heaven? 

Totton

 HOUSE OF SELECTED

‘Too long’ ‘Too grey’

‘Too big a bag to bring in’        

I wonder what it takes to get your hair cut here 

 

King’s Cross, London

         

JUST ME

Is this really personal,

or can  anybody go in here

and claim to be me? 

Marylebone, London

 

THE LEGEND

The most legendary barber must be Sweeney Todd

Will I get a stylish cut

before I end up in a cannibal meat pie?

Holborn, London

      

MACHO BARBERS

Is this man man enough to be allowed in?

He doesn’t look confident.

He may have to settle for being a V.I.P.

Petersfield

 

MASTERS

A modest business belying the fact

that this is an unregulated industry:

you don’t need an MA in hair to set up as you wish.

Brighton

             

MAXXILIA HAIR SALON

What's the most maxxilian 

thing around here?

The unconstrained parking of cars.

Barnet, London

           

MICHAEL’S HAIRDRESSING

I thought we were on first name terms

until Mr Michael explained

that his real friends call him Alan.

 

Cockfosters, London

 

MINISTRY OF HAIR

I don’t think I’ve got time for this:

the forms, the approvals, the policy statements,

the blocking of requests for novel styles…

 

Eastbourne

NAWZAD

The key to ‘Nawzad’

seems likely to lie

in Afghanistan.

Totton

NICKS CUTS

I trust Nick’s cut the apostrophe

and isn’t offering

cuts replete with careless nicks.

Barnet, London

PALL MALL BARBERS

We’re three miles from Pall Mall, true.

But perhaps that counts as close enough

compared with Peckham, Paignton or Peru.

King's Cross, London

 

POSH HAIR SALON

This salon looks as ordinary

as my hair…

so perhaps my hair is posh enough.

Southwark. London

 

RAZOR

I’d sooner find a barber

whose tool of choice

is scissors. 

Shirley, Southampton

  

 

TOMMY BOY SOCIAL

Sit back and relax?

No, remember to talk

or else your find yourself back on the street with most of your hair still long.

Brighton

       

TOP CUT BARBERS

How limp, 

with locally appropriate puns available,

to settle for generics...

 

Barnet, London

 

TOP DOG’S

You’d think a top dog

would do more with the facia.

Maybe a blade sign with a well-groomed pooch... 

 

St Leonards-on-Sea